I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
