I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
