After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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