i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
