I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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