Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
i now understand why vodka
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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