i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize