The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
