Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
