Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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