That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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