it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
