Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
