I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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