I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
