Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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