My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
