I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize