my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
