the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
