Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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