Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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