there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize
