it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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