Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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