I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
