i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
