oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Randomize
