Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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