I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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