Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
