I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
you never un-have a 4some
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