If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
