I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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