I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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