Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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