he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
