my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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