There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
