My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
