dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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