I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
