The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
