the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
wanna go halves on a baby?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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