Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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