Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize