my phone cant type all the emotion im having
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
