"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Randomize
