its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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