Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
