Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize