there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
