he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
