Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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