im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
