I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Do vagina's smell?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
