i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
