he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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