Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize